DANCING IN THE SILENCE OF HIS LONELINESS

Arie, 92 years old, an interweaving of life experience and memories. “My father had eight brothers. I thought that was strange. I was thinking about it, how is that possible? My father was born in Amsterdam, a brother was born in Ghent, one in Leuven, one in Antwerp and also one in Haarlem. My great-grandmother, she came from Zaandam. I think, how is that possible?! I have one brother, Will, who went to find out for me. He had a pile from the year 1700. Did you know that your ancestors have all been at the fair in the past from the year 1700 to the present? Now it seems that it keeps skipping a generation. I have fair blood. My grandfather had it, my father didn't, but my grandson did. I make miniature fairground rides. Nowadays, if I don't feel like it anymore, I stop. Then it's over for me. But I'm glad I still have these hobbies, otherwise I think I'm a bit lonely. I'll tell you honestly. It actually bothers me a lot in the evenings. I can't lose my egg. When I was in a museum at the time and I came home in the afternoon, my wife would always ask: “And was it fun? Was it busy?". My wife was always very interested. I liked everything about her. Now this is gone. Sometimes I sit and talk to the chair. Her chair, where she has always sat. I see her sitting there. And then I know, I have to watch out. Then I get lonely.”

“My wife's hobby is collecting dolls. I will never throw this away! We were married for 65 years. I bought 65 roses, dried them and made them into a heart.”

“How did you end up with the Zout theater group? At one point I was in the library. I found a brochure called “Geraniums”. I went to inquire, I received an invitation. I was already accepted! Very nice! Then came Lust Love Age. It was just two months ago that my wife passed away. I thought, should I do it? Do I want to do it? I discussed it with my psychologist and with my youngest son. My son said, “You should do that, Dad.” I felt the need to talk to people, but I got the impression that people thought, “There he is again, with his story.” Together with Hella I was the face on the posters, brochures, articles and social media. We had to lie in one bed together during the photo shoot. The only thing I kept saying to Hella was: God, you're so nice and warm, you're so nice and warm!” How does it feel to be in the same bed with Hella after the death of your wife? I had a little trouble with it at first. The detective said to me: “Arie, it's theater boy, it's theater.” I've always been in the theater. As far as I can, I'll participate. When I told the stories about my wife at the time, what I experienced and the day of her death, there was quite a bit of emotion here and there. I was there until her last minute.”

“In September she started babysitting my son. She came home that evening and she wasn't feeling well at all. She didn't want to eat, she couldn't pee anymore. She did drink, but it also has to come out. I was worried. After a lot of effort and pain, the GP arrived with the assistant. “I can't find anything. Anyway, given her age and her body, I think it would be a good idea to check her out at the hospital,” the doctor said. I called the ambulance, hop into the hospital. She was in the hospital for 14 days. The third day I was there, everything worked perfectly. She ate, she drank and she could pee again. The nurses said she could go home, which turned out not to be the case. Her blood pressure was not good. “Oh, that will be fine,” I said to my wife. And it was. The following week she was allowed to return home. She came home on Friday evening. The first few days things didn't go well. I thought, that's the emotion, having been in the hospital for 14 days, she really has to process that. I received the message from the hospital that she had to go on a diet. That dietitian came by. My wife sat in her chair, nothing at all. She didn't drink, she didn't eat. She did follow the conversation. The dietitian had only just left and I received a call from the GP. “I have not so pleasant news for you. I just had a conversation with the cardiologist. She wants to pull the plug,” the doctor said. Hey?! What do you mean? I asked. “The heart no longer works properly. The lady can no longer go home, you have to think about a care institution or a hospice. Would you like to share this with the rest of the family?” the doctor said. I didn't accept this. Her kidneys and liver were damaged. But they could still do something about it. You must admit her to the hospital! Even if it is just to allow those two organs to function. They admitted her in the meantime, so that we could look for a care institution or a hospice.”

“On Friday evening around half past nine, the nurse came. She said: “I think it would be wise for us to put in a crib and have someone watch over it.” We had made a whole plan. My son would stay Friday into Saturday, and I would take over in the morning. A spiritual caregiver also immediately came and asked if my wife needed spiritual care. “Go ahead,” my wife said. She was served on Saturday afternoon. My son took me over on Saturday. The night from Saturday to Sunday, at 4:00 am, my son called. “Can you come? Mom is not doing well at all. She's calling for you!” “Then I'll be right there,” I said. I called my brother. We drove to the hospital together. I grabbed her hand. “Help me, Arie, help me. Sister, help me, help me,” Arie's wife cried in fear. I held her hand. I never let her go. I sat there from 10:00 to 12:45 and then she died. She was given a sedative injection because she was becoming rebellious. She was still up to date. But I have my doubts about that injection, because she died within half an hour. She lay dead in my hands. I noticed, I was holding her. I said to my sister-in-law: she is dead, just call a sister. I was sure. The nurse came over. “Yes, she's dead,” the nurse confirmed. Sunday afternoon, October 26, 2020 at 12:45, at the age of 84. I felt powerless. I never expected it. We had plans, far-reaching plans. We would have been married for 65 years within a year and a half. When we were married for 60 years, the corona broke out. We couldn't do anything, organize anything, celebrate. Mentally my wife was very good. I thought: damn, the two of us have had a very eventful life. We both thought it was worth celebrating. Many people don't get that far. “You have my blessing,” she said. It went faster than I thought.”

“I asked my wife, 'What are you going to do if I go early?' “Then I'll go to the children,” she said. “You shouldn't count on that. I know you and the children. They will be very good to you, that's not the point. But you want to be independent, and you can't do that. “Then I'm going to wander,” she said. I think that's nonsense, I said. I am very sad, and I miss her every day. But if I have to be honest, on the other hand, I'm glad she left before I did.”

“I organized day trips with my wife. She always preferred to sleep in her own bed. We did this year in, year out. There is no city in the Netherlands that we have not been to. She was interested in everything. We have been at the Efteling with our fairground miniature every day for 17 years, from 9:30 am to 6:00 pm in the evening. My wife didn't really care about exhibitions. When we were in a city, I would go to an exhibition and she would enjoy herself shopping. We always made an appointment. This late we are together again, have a nice meal, and then go home. We were always together. We always showed interest. I was allowed to do everything, she went everywhere with me. Only not in recent years.

“I still remember. Once we were waiting at the bus stop. My wife was a real animal lover, especially cats. She saw a kitten lying dead but undamaged on the side of the road. “I think that's sad, a tram will soon run over it and then nothing will be left. I will take that kitten with me,” she said, “I will bury it on the way.” I say, have you fallen on your head?! “No,” she said, “I'm just going to do that.” What my wife says then happens. What do you think? We went to one of those very expensive fashion stores to ask for a bag. My wife came out with an expensive fur bag. We had to wait another 10 to 15 minutes for the bus. So what do we do? We put the bag down and we walk around the bus stop. Nothing tiring, a woman came and took the bag. I said to my wife, well you can do whatever you want, but I want to know where those people are going with that dead kitten in that bag. We went after her. At the next stop, the woman got off at a cafeteria. We sat right across from her. The woman naturally wanted to know what she had gotten, what kind of loot was in the bag. We saw her put her hand in the bag and probably felt the kitten. Of course he thought, that's the fur of the bag. Until she actually looked in the bag out of curiosity. She looked straight into a pair of yellow cat eyes. She fainted! The cafeteria staff called the ambulance. They also thought, what should we do with this? Of course, they didn't know there was a dead cat in the bag. The ambulance took the woman away. One of the ambulance workers said: "Those personal belongings have to be taken with us too." The ambulance worker placed the bag with the dead cat on the stretcher and then left.”

“My wife was hit by a military vehicle during the war. She was then in a coma for six weeks. My wife ended up in Belgium for rehabilitation. I met my wife when I was 27 years old at the time. I'm a fair fanatic! I was at the fair with some acquaintances. They had a poffertjes stall. I was sitting there eating pancakes, and then another beautiful lady passed by, wearing a beautiful blue dress. I can still see it that way. She turned around and she smiled at me. “Do you want pancakes?” she asked. Well, please! I just kept looking at her. We ate pancakes together, I took her home and it stayed on. After a year and a half we moved in together and on November 6 we were engaged. Because if we were going to live together, we had to get married. We got married on January 17th. You always get a prize at the fair, they say!”

“I had some acquaintances before that, but they cheated me. You can experience that too! I've had a broken heart. I got out of service. I had a service buddy, we said goodbye after our service and we both went home. It was the second day of Pentecost. Yes, you are a young guy and you want something. I grabbed my bike and started cycling. I met a girl there. She crossed me. She passed me. She was a beautiful woman, so what did I do? I turned around and at the same moment she turned around too. She smiled at me. And what do you do as a young guy? Then you just turn your steering wheel and you go after her. I drove along to Dongen, we made an appointment. I dated her for over eight months. But it turned out that my comrade was also dating someone from Dongen.”

“We had organized a reunion of service comrades from Roermond. After a while they returned to Dongen. I couldn't attend the reunion, I had to work. But what happens? That service buddy of mine is running off with my girl. I found that out. I broke up with her immediately, I was furious. It made me sick. I was in bed for about four weeks. “Our Arie is not doing well at all,” my mother said to my father. I was devastated that she had deceived me so much. I was really heartbroken.”

“We did have a sex life, but in a different way. We were not allowed to have sex before marriage. We have also adhered to that. But once we got married... within a year and a half my wife was pregnant. This wasn't actually the intention haha. But sex, at a certain point it was no longer possible for my wife. I didn't want it anymore either. Because I would hurt my wife. But we did have sex in a different way. I took care of her. My wife has been sleeping downstairs for the last few years. I slept upstairs. In the morning I made her sandwiches, I asked if she had slept well and then I started to wash her. The moment I washed my wife and my hands landed on her body. That made me feel warm. That was our sex, our intimacy. “You are so beautiful,” she would say to me. “You too,” I told her back. You are a guy who still wants everything. You can't get away from it. But for me this was our sex. I wouldn't date anymore. But suppose I meet a nice woman now, then we'll see. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm not averse to it either. It has to come my way, but then it would more likely be friendship. I would still need that. “What was your trick with the girls? When I met a girl, they were all one-hit wonders. I brought them home and then it was over. I wasn't averse to it. I don't really want to say hit her up, but if I liked her I would have a chat. But I later met the person who had deceived me again at the ANWB. I thought, damn, I know that one!”

“What is your fondest memory? “That we were knighted. We have done a lot together. Relaxation and technical skills in hospitals, retirement homes, defects in, for example, toilets, sunshades or doing the shopping for an elderly lady who had difficulty walking. We did everything for free. My wife did a lot for others.”

“Do you have another fantasy? I still have it on my mind, and I won't let it go. I would still like to have a book written. A book about my life. My life with my wife. I couldn't do it myself. But I could tell. That is another interest I would like to pursue before I go up.”